feeling a little lost

Where am I? What’s the direction?

Feeling a little lost

After a longer break I would like to report back with a blog entry. After I had uploaded articles about my novel George or various other writing projects quite regularly, I ran out of ideas. In addition, I was quite frustrated at times, and there were a few reasons for that. Let’s start with the most harmless.

First of all, I was annoyed by the „downsides“ of social media, and that, although this is about such small things as „Follow to unfollow“. I know there are many more serious problems for other accounts, such as inappropriate and disrespectful comments. If I don’t like someone’s account, I just don’t follow it. End of story. But I am annoyed by „follow to unfollow“ because on the one hand it is disrespectful and on the other hand quite naive. Do people really think that with my smaller account, I don’t realize that someone isn’t even following me for 24 hours? That is a bit spoony. I also simply abhor disrespect.

Okay, let’s get to the things you should really be annoyed about or that’s worth pausing and reflecting on. So far this year I have participated in three competitions and a casting for a short film. That I was not taken for the latter was to be expected and not really painful. The three competitions are two short stories contests and the other one was about winning a contract with a publisher. In the former case, I am still waiting for the results, but the closer the date of the announcement gets, the more disillusioned I become. Moreover, the time between submission and the date of the announcement gives me the feeling that I am completely inactive and that I would do nothing for becoming an author which is actually nonsense. But now we are dealing with my actual and biggest problem, which I will come to talk about in a moment.  

With regard to the competition for the publishing contract, I have to admit that I had participated very spontaneous in this, since I had found out about it at the very last second and had therefore not put too much expectation into it. The fact that I had not been shortlisted was not a huge disappointment. However, the day before I had received the cancellation for the casting and on the same day my billing of my self-publishing platform Neobooks for my novel „George“. I think on the bill were 2 sold copies. With each previously received invoice, fewer copies were sold. It was frustrating. All three things so close together was just absolutely frustrating.

And then one pauses. One starts to get a little petulant. One begins to question whether this is all a waste of time. One starts to think that you could just do it for yourself, just for fun. In that time I started writing my little fantasy short story. But that’s not me. I don’t do anything just  for  fun. I have to make sense of things. I have to fight for something. Moreover, this is not the first time I have been at this point. And for another time you get up and improve because you reflect, consult with others, take advices, put out feelers to learn about new possibilities. In fact, these lowpoints can do a lot of good. So, I keep fighting and that’s why I started to reshuffle the pack – I hope this makes sense – and now approach things differently. At least for my novel „George“.

I canceled everything with Neobooks and dealt with the option of using the platform Books on Demand. If this is the best story I’ve ever written, I would like to leave no stone unturned in bringing it to as many people as possible. So much for that and, ultimately, it’s easy once you’ve made a full decision. I have put together my BoD package so to say and currently I am waiting for all parts, such as proofreading etc. to be done.

Let us now turn to my biggest personal problem, as mentioned above: to feel idle. While my dear George is getting ready by and for BoD and then will be published I have to pursue some other project. I can’t possibly recover from the work week on my weekends. At the moment, I actually treat myself to a whole day off every Saturday and during my summer holiday I refused writing even for a week. But it’s about to come up again: that feeling of dissatisfaction.

Thank God I am not running out of ideas. Quite the opposite. There is always a story going on in my head that haunts me until I put it to paper. As a matter of fact, I’m rather a little lost in my thousand projects at the moment. The first thing I did was putting my fantasy short story aside. That was the easiest step. Although I will deal with it in a moment.

I now have to decide what makes more sense: to continue writing my story, which I began at the beginning of the year? It is set in the genre of crime fiction and already has over 24,000 words. It’s kind of a unique story. The story takes place in winter and in May at the latest I wasn’t quite up for winter feelings, so I came to a halt.

Or should I continue rewriting a slightly older manuscript that I had written completely in English. The story, from the genre Young  Adult,  is very close to my heart. I had once chased the manuscript through the Word translation program – for fun actually – and was surprised how well it went. During the summer holiday I had started to correct the nastiest translation errors. It is, in fact, a work that goes well. But the story actually makes me feel low, since it is quite psychological and goes pretty deep. I have proper mood swings on the days of revision. In the short or long term, I definitely want to publish the story.

And oh my God, I still have a finished manuscript that a friend currently is revising. This is written in a finished way, but I would like to change a lot in terms of storytelling and especially in relation to the end. But this actually has time and it can serve as a kind of back-up manuscript for possible dry periods. This story is  also more Young Adult.

Okay, as far as my stories in book length are concerned, I am so far quite well replete with. I just wonder if the question of „with which story should I continue“ really is the most important one. Shouldn’t I increase my “prominence”, i.e. reach first by participating in more competitions? There are actually still some quite interesting contests this year and I’m even considering taking part in one in the UK.  One short story competition is about fantasy. As you know I’ve already written the beginning of one.

I dally with the idea of participating in a competition whose deadline is as late as the end of September. Quite crazy, because I’m still busy with the release of „George“ and I also have quite stressful weeks due to work. However, the theme of this short story competition is interesting as it is about dark moments and I recently had not only a crisis in writing, but also regarding my family. Perhaps this short story could help with the processing.

Well, while I am writing everything from the soul and thinking about it, I come to the realization that I  am only just – once again – at the very beginning of a publication and therefore  a  potential manuscript for my next publication can or should be secondary. That’s why I’d rather compete for a few contests. The only question now is whether  I would like to submit something as early as the end of September…

Thank you for having a sympathetic ear/eye.


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